How to have tough safety and security conversations with kids

As parents, it often feels like there’s so much in the world we want to protect our children from - whether it's physical safety on the playground, walking to and from school, or navigating their interactions with others, both online and in real life.

That’s why having open conversations about safety and security in all areas of life is so important. By discussing these topics early on, you show your child that they can come to you with any concerns or worries. This kind of trust-building not only reassures them in the moment but also lays the groundwork for open communication, especially as they face more complex challenges in the future, such as drugs, alcohol, sex, and navigating the online world.

You might notice changes in their behaviour or feel uneasy bringing up topics like personal safety, boundaries, or even difficult subjects like abuse or bullying. These conversations may be tough, but they are crucial. By addressing them openly, you help your child feel secure and supported, equipping them with the confidence to handle difficult situations while knowing they can always turn to you for guidance.

We chat to psychologist and cyberpsychology specialist Jocelyn Brewer to find out how parents can navigate these tough but important questions.

Protective conversations are discussions with your child from a young age about online safety, their bodies, confronting content, big feelings and how they can protect themselves. These types of conversations will help them identify when they are unsafe and learn what they can do about it.

Here are some ways we can approach these important conversations in a supportive manner, in a way they can understand, without sounding overbearing or scaring them, with some tips and advice from Jocelyn.

Jocelyn says regular communication is key here, as well as finding age-appropriate ways to talk about heavy stuff with your children.

"Talk often, talk early. We need to adapt our communication and education to their developmental level, your values and own comfort and confidence in having the conversations."

She also says that for parents who might be struggling with these conversations themselves, writing a script can help - but keep it natural and light, rather than dense and forced.

 "It might be that you need to upskill in some of these topics and think through and even lightly script the key messages you want to share. This isn’t a one-off ‘talk’ or monologue – it needs to be regular, light tough convos that reinforce the key ideas."

It can help to prompt them with a TV show or storybook to introduce the topic. For example, there could be a TV show or film that addresses the topic, like a character experiencing bullying. You could ask your child what they'd do in the same situation.

There are now also lots of storybooks written to help teach children about such subjects as death, abuse, bullying, and even natural disasters like bushfires. After reading the story together, you could ask questions to check their understanding and what they would do if they were in the same situation as the character.

Jocelyn agrees that turning to movies or books can be a huge help in unpacking some complex conversations—but make sure they are age-appropriate.

"I started watching Anne with an E (the recent Anne Of Green Gables adaptation) with my 7-year-old and it was really different to the original with a lot of Anne’s trauma in it and a lot of school bullying – we decided she wasn’t ready to watch it, and talked about how schools are (generally) safer how and some of those things wouldn’t happen because we look after each other more."

Jocelyn says one of the biggest challenges parents face these days is not fully understanding the digital world their kids are immersed in, from games and apps to platforms and devices they use, and how to wrangle them. 

"Parents often feel overwhelmed by not only connecting with their kids’ interest and enjoyment of online platforms – but importantly the ways by which they can actually mitigate, manage and monitor online safety within platform tools and other parental controls." 

There are “happy” and “unhappy” secrets to teach.

You can explain that a happy secret often involves a surprise such as a family member’s upcoming birthday party, which is known to everyone and shared.

An unhappy secret is less open and can occur when your child is asked by someone not to tell anyone about it. If the unhappy secret seems like a “no” feeling, explain to your child that they need to tell a grown-up they trust straight away. Reassure them that this is a good thing to do.

It might take time for your child to fully understand, or it might not go the way you wanted, which is ok. Your child might not be ready to talk straight away but could restart the conversation with you later.

Having a few bite-sized conversations over time might work better than one long conversation. It gives your child the time to process what has been discussed.

It’s important your child knows you are listening to them so they feel valued. You could say something like, "Thank you for telling me about this. You know you can always tell me anything, I am here for you. You're not going to get into trouble, we can do this together. Tell me as much as you can, I will be listening."

Tell them it’s OK for them to feel however they are feeling. Ask open questions rather than those that will provide "yes" and "no" answers, so that your child can provide a more meaningful response. Example questions include, "Have you seen anyone being bullied online? How did you think that made them feel? How did you feel? Has anything like this ever happened to you?"

Let them take as long as they need to answer without interrupting. They may be nervous or still processing their thoughts.

Allow your child to ask you questions too. Be honest with them about how you feel about certain subjects and about things that have happened to you in the past.

Let them know that they can tell you anything, or they can also tell other people they trust when anything is worrying them.

It may be that they want to talk about a friend who's depressed or they witnessed someone being bullied. Or it could be about something they've done themselves, like trying alcohol for the first time.

Because it’s probably taken a lot of courage to mention it to you, help them feel as comfortable as possible about continuing the conversation. Focus on the positives, says Jocelyn.

"Praise them for sharing the information and reflect that was a good and brave thing to do, reinforce how good it is that they recognised the need to get an adult's help and reassure them they have done the right thing and you can help them solve the issue."

And even though your initial reaction might be one of shock, it's important to remain composed.

"You might want to privately and quietly, freak out, scream or cry – but find a place to do that separately! That’s not to say mask your emotions or reactions, but simply to ensure connection with your kid primarily.  Then work out the logistics and next steps after that."

It's OK to ask your child what they'd like you to do about the situation, but it may be something where you can't do anything at all; for example, if they're grieving over a death. What you can always do is reassure and support – starting with a big hug.

Jocelyn says there are many ways parents can help protect their kids online, starting with setting boundaries for screen time and putting measures in place to avoid children accessing inappropriate content.

"[Parents] might start with technology – from controls that are built into devices and platforms to external software that can limit time spent, limit access to certain online spaces and monitor and block inappropriate content."

She comes back to the importance of keeping dialogue open and honest with your kids, too, and listening to them when they come to you with any concerns.

"Parents can also have regular, simple conversations with kids about behaviours and action in online spaces that regularly reinforce skills that help young people learn to participate effectively in online spaces and manage a variety of situations (with the help of their parents)."

For Jocelyn, it's about building trust.

"We really want to build reciprocal trust and connection between kids and parents so that kids reach out for support if they hit challenges or ‘wobbles’ online. A problem shared is a problem solved."

Distinguish between “yes” feelings, as when something happens that you like, to “no” feelings as the feeling you have after something happens that you don’t like.

Ensure your child knows all feelings are okay, helpful, and healthy. Even the “no” feelings are useful because they can help keep us safe.

If you’re finding the subject is just too difficult or distressing for you to talk about with a child, you could seek advice from a counsellor, Lifeline, Parentline, your GP or your child’s teacher.

Jocelyn Brewer is a psychologist, cyberpsychologist and digital wellbeing expert